I dared to write...

I look back at my posts in amazement. Am I that melancholic? 68% of my posts had an existential theme, 14% were historical recounts, 11% were a fictionalized account of events from my past and 7% were personal memories. Goodness me. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (or in this case, the fingers type. lol)

I am pleased I took on this challenge. A friend introduced me to it, and dared me to stick with it till the end...Thanks, Juliette. I would never have stuck with it if you hadn't pretended to have no faith in my staying power (although you weren't far from wrong).  I almost quit several times,  but you kept spurring me on. Most days, I sat in front of the laptop with zero ideas and a blank mind...or so I thought. As I persisted, thoughts started pouring out from I know not where day after day, and now I know there is much more bubbling up where that came from. I had no idea this challenge was to be the perfect outlet for me. I have never written this much about myself in my fifty plus years, and I've loved every minute of it.

Thank you TWT and the few slicers who graciously stopped by to offer their encouragement and kind words. As I kept telling my friends, I didn't get a lot of comments, but that was not why I wrote. I dared to write to air my soul, to explore my ideas and to challenge my thinking. I did this for me.

The Field

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.

An excerpt from 'A Great Wagon', by Rumi

That field. That wide expanse that holds all ambiguities and tensions. You challenge everything I know about myself. Actually, you confirm what I’m afraid to admit about myself. You fill me and surround me, so you know me inside out. Even when I lie to myself I can’t lie to you. You are my secret self. The self I am free to be, and yet the self I am afraid to be.

You are there as a constant reminder, a humbling presence that at once confuses and clarifies. You are an opening, a metaphor, a paradox, a lesson, an awakening, because you are the ground that holds the tree that bears the fruit of my knowledge of good and evil. The fruit may ripen and fall, but even then, you embrace it all.

The sooner I accept that I am one with you and with all things, the sooner I will be worthy of the very flesh I inhabit, and the world I have been gifted with.

Dear Child,

What do I know for sure? What would I tell my 19 year old self to make her less anxious and more self-assured? What have I learned with 33 years of hindsight?

Dear Child,

As you grow up you will learn a lot about making the right choices in life, and how those choices can make or break you. The truth is, not a single one of us can claim to only make the 'right' choices in life. So instead of being stressed out about it, here are some things your middle aged self has learned...after making many good and bad choices.

Don't beat yourself up about your grades. Life doesn't begin and end with grades. You aren't any less of a student than others because they performed better than you in school. It is enough that you work hard and want to do better. Determination and focus will take you much farther in life than good grades alone.

Feel compassion for yourself. Don't ever let what others tell you determine your self-esteem. Your uniqueness is absolutely essential to your purpose and success in life. You were not made to be anything else but yourself, so don't get hung up on superficial things like your looks. Beauty is nothing without character. Besides it is terribly fickle.

There isn't 'a' way to behave if you want to secure the man of your dreams. lol. You cannot lose the people who have a role to play in your life. Trust me. Nothing you do or don't do will make him stay or drive him away. The boy you think you need so badly is probably an idiot.

There's nothing black or white about life. There is a little good and bad inherent in everything, if you look past the immediate results or consequences. When you make a mistake, know that it happened because you have something to learn from it, and know that those lessons had to be learned, one way or another. Remember; 'Your wound is the place where light enters you' - Rumi.

Know that happiness is not something to search for. It comes from within you. Nothing external... no 'one' and no 'thing' and no way of 'being' can make you happy. Find it in the simple things of life that bring you joy, and you will never want for it.

Value silence, time and space. They are the inaudible teachers of wisdom, and they will convey you through a calmer, happier and more peaceful life journey.

From me.

Sounds of Life

Chattering TV - false company.
Humming AC - comforting, lulling.
Beeping car horns - life goes on.

Music, singing - soul searching.
Footsteps, voices - broken reverie.
Children's laughter - all is well.

Chirping birdsong - sleep time's over.
Croaking frogs  - darkness, mystery.
Rumbling thunder - nature's majesty.
Drumming raindrops - time to curl up.

"Come Tomorrow"

My father recounted the story of a childhood experience he never forgot. In 1940 when he was 6 years old he lived with his family in Lagos, Nigeria, by the famous port of Apapa. It was the colonial period, and the British were in control of Nigeria. It was the time of World War II, and of course, Britain was at war with Germany. Apapa port was the central harbor in West Africa where several British man of war ships were docked.

A German company had offices near the port, and their expatriate staff lived close by in a small community that housed a swimming pool and tennis courts. My father and his little friends used to spend their afternoons watching the gentlemen play tennis. They made themselves useful by running after the balls and pitching them back onto the courts. At the end of the day, they earned a few shillings and a pat on the head from the gentlemen players for their trouble, however, there was one particular man who never gave them any money. When the little boys run to him for a tip, his response was always "come tomorrow", so they named him "come tomorrow."

One day after school, my grandfather was not at home as usual for lunch, so without informing his mother, my father decided to go find him in his office.  As he approached the port, he heard the whine of the engines of an airplane high above. As he lifted his head to look at the sky, he suddenly heard people shouting. The next thing he knew, a man run right into him and slammed his little body onto the ground, covering him completely with his body. At that very moment, the port erupted in a huge explosion. Hidden under the body of the stranger, my father could only hear the profound sound of shattering windows and crumbling stones all around him. When the deafening sound cleared, the man who lay atop him got up. To my father's surprise, he recognized 'come tomorrow', who now had pieces of glass sticking out all over his body. "Go home now!", come tomorrow shouted at him.

My father run home to his mother, still unsure of what had just happened. Young as he was, he knew that 'come tomorrow' had just prevented something terrible from happening to him.

Shortly after the explosion at the port, my father and his little friends could no longer find 'come tomorrow' and the other German gentlemen at the tennis courts.  They had disappeared overnight.

Today

Most of the day has ended, and I'm looking back on it in wonder.

I laughed with abandon today.
I kept my focus today.
I suggested ideas today.
I listened today.
I was helpful today.
I was kind today.
but
I was forgetful today.
I was pensive today.
I thought a lot today.

today.

I doubted myself today.
I was confused today.
I learned about myself today.
so
I wrote it all down today.

Goodnight

It’s bedtime, and I’m struggling to come up with something to write to make up for missing yesterday’s slice. I hope I have a good night. I hope my dreams bring me wisdom and insight. I hope I wake up refreshed and energized for the new day, and I pray my children living in a distant country will be safe and blessed. Goodnight all.

Heart and Mind

I spoke to a friend of mine who has been struggling for months over a personal issue that she can’t seem to resolve. I have tried to support her for sometime now, but I soon realized that I was playing the wrong role. She needed me to be a sounding board, not a therapist.

Through my conversations with her I realized a phenomenon I’ve only ever read about in novels but never actually experienced. The mind and the heart are often not in sync. The mind reasons and analyzes so it has a good hold on reality, however the heart does not see things the way the mind does. It has a ‘mind’ of it’s own. How often isn’t this played out in matters of love? It seems the fulfillment of an immediate need too often triumphs over reason. The interesting thing I’m discovering is that the heart has to follow it’s course…even when it leads to destruction. The truth is that this so-called destruction is a necessary suffering, therefore the heart really leads us right where we must go.